Summary (Updated 9.9.2023)
The Last Picture of you will now be mainly at Deptford Lounge (SE8), a large council-funded multipurpose community hub, library, and more, and one this website. Each person will have a page, where the wishes, words, pictures, or videos will be added.
I formally pulled out of Pepys Resource Centre/Longshore room earlier this week. Bitten off more than I can chew and needed more resources to enable me to develop the engagement elements (workshops/poetry/talk), and identify the best way to hold and share the last wishes people have bravely shared with me. It was a little too much-attempted coordination and compression of things.
Neurodivergent, Neurospicy
I’m also learning about my neurodiversity, having lots of words at me, can be too much, though I can go on and not be able to succinctly articulate. I have a few more weeks to prepare for the exhibition, site-specific, new work, collaborative, and…. The journey isn’t fully mapped out though evolving. together and in some contexts alone. Below are updates and reflections as I go along.
Tuesday 19th Sep 2023
Well arti o, you think you’ve got it covered and you don’t. I had telepathically asked someone to help with some growing areas, given a bit of a compression of words. However, I’d not shared the expanded ask. Anyways, after shaking head and brain late last night. I got started on some pages, each one needs a different template, as folks have shared very different content, some soley words, some videos, some pictures. And the first two pages to be shared in a few days need PDF’s, which usually would be easy but I can’t seem to get them to link to pictures, yet! So I’ve asked out and an old colleague/mate will have a nose with me tomorrow. I can collect my challenges and get top advice.
What else? Spoke to Sharon and Ema today, intros and different elements of their expertice being shared or used for the last picture of you, me, us to be more of what we would want and need to live well and die with dignity.
Monday 18th Sept 2023
So it’s been a few weeks and I’ve had the urge to write down everything… and nothing. I might just note things, dates they happened so it’s not a splurge. Started the morning with a GP appointment, wanting to understand if I was ADHD. She said many more coming forward, so the main referral is shut down, soley private £360 or over £900 for kids! What did I want? Some recognition of what I was struggling with. How I mask, overcompensate, meltdown, burnbright +. I’ve popped some words in the morning pages about it, part poem. Shall I use that as my update?
Also listened to Gabor Mater on his reflections on ADHD, which he and his children have. Like most of his work, he contextualizes, and reflects on self. It’s interesting.
Sunday 17th Sept 2023
Also the birthday of one of scouse aunties, who passed away last year. Miss her hugs, joy of living, and more. Her daughters (close friends over the years) are taking out some of her friends.
I made it up and out, slowly, to Deptford Lounge, with a bagful of bits. Red velvet curtains, mosquito net, my mum’s sparkly butterfly top, books, paper, string, and bits…
After being let in, I asked for some steps from someone who was sticking photos to the window. She said she was Russian and the photos were of estates in protest of the war, it was her way of shocking resistance. In every war, each government restricts news (and I think wider cultural responses).
I also noticed someone had put up their work in coat hangers and posts, it may be the finished bit or the planning. I think I had some ideas and my Deptford curtain from 20/30 years hung up and wasn’t really sure how the hell I could incorporate the words, energy, and reflections. Especially as the space was now one window rather than several coves and huge floor space. I hope the creation and release make those who have inputted feel respected.
Feedback from one of the folks, as is its Artis’ wardrobe (ouch), and another is very theatrical. Guess I was always a bit that way and Indian, history of beautiful bling. She popped past seeing what I was doing. I was trying to have elements on 4 sides, not solely the window. So those who use the space inside can see too, other layers. I also hung a loo roll, hearty, from the bogrollgate period. I think I might have got it cost the company where called who gives a crap.. Sucker for a pun and some fun, despite my living frowns.
Also shared an email with those who have input, with dates their work is likely to be on the website.
Wednesday 30 Aug 2023
Caught up with Liyanne, the person who sparked this project returning. We talked about how things were going, the ideas, the input the challenges of multiple people’s involvement and working across two sites. (Three I guess as this site will hold an archive too).
Each site provides different forms and opportunities to engage IF the work is done to communicate. And to consider some sites leading to others in that festival and afterward. One site a more specific, personal piece, signposting more specific work and ideas at the others. Creating of a x at one site, related to Liyanne’s video input. Funny how we are thinking differently and also with alignments.
It feels less isolating to chat about it and that understanding of why and me. Today I also found a letter from the MP who was part of the campaign to ensure my mum’s sister could visit her in intensive care. My aunty had been denied a visa..
Sunday 27 Aug 2023
Walked and talked with K about palliative care, things no-one would discuss but have happened, be an unnecessary challenge to a lot of people. From having to ask and ask again to receiving soiled resources…
‘Get that pissy matrice out of here!’
We walked past the Covid memorial wall, by St Thomas’s Hospital between Westminster and Lambeth Bridges. I began to film some of it, sometimes reading, sometimes having to simply film and distance myself from the emotions it brings and returns. Appalling government leadership, or intentional prioritization of greed to health, which continues.
The politics of living and the politics of dying keep replaying in my head.
Fri 25th Aug 2023
Went to meet Sharon, who had shared some of the experiences of her brother’s death. It was almost a year ago and she and her sister-in-law wanted to state what happened and also what needs to change. I’ll add her statement to the resources and here when it’s done.
She also shared places and spaces where people brought others together over the pandemic, like the open-air cinema Rotherhithe, in a great patch of green woods. And literally, the guy who initiated this Max, passed us, understated and empowering in the toughest of times.
Thurs 24th Aug 2023
So I started today with a corkboard and lots of paper, I have lots of paper with a few areas, marketing, help, cv, content for Longshore (Pepys Resource Centre and content for Deptford Lounge and themes. Themes dancing around me and interwoven are that the personal is political
Justice & Injustice – Hillsborough, Covid, Grenfell, Environment, New X
Heritage, mental health, class, disabilities and Dis-United Kingdon (old poem)
Moon, astrology, release Sedna (two videos suggested to me by Liyanne linked introductory video and 43-minute deeper-dive. The need for seas and rivers, movement and calm (Thames, Mersey, Punjab (meaning 5 rivers))
There are a few connected festivals that could be linked together, why would each person have to promote their own individual element when there is so much interconnected? When we can’t do or be everything, all the time? Thames Festival (Sep) and Month of the Dead (Oct)
Tuesday 22nd Aug 202
Sharon lives locally to Pepys and is someone I met over 20 years ago, full of energy and being able to make a difference. When we talked about this project a month back, it encouraged her to talk about a piece of work she wanted to share about the death of her brother. She hasn’t fitted into the questions, which were prompts for some folks, and I’ll try to read some before next week. I will also add to this website resource.
Mon 21st Aug 2023
Back from a visit to the Pepys site and realised the part way I felt a bit of overwhelm. What I needed to do, what we needed to know, the content, the past few days. I didn’t have enough bandwidth to engage in it in some disjointed ways. Do I need some help neuro or do I need to step away or plan to work in a more low-key way?
A challenge is having no floor plan or documents on risk assessments or marketing or contracts. This puts every ask into the orbit and not necessarily any guarantees that it will happen as things shift, ad hoc.
One of the things that was interesting in meeting Ken today was his knowledge of the area and building, dock space, linked to slave trade and Indian imperialism (or British?) wonder if I mistook that. Ken noted our names, which reminded us that Anosha that were are both of Punjabi heritage, her surname is linked to one religion, and mine another. One piece of work is a critique of living and considered feminist theories, the other universality of death in a period of collective grief…
Grief that was reflected on by several people last night, the end of a system, its time to say goodbye is what they were saying. And yes, be rid. Whilst also considering what is it we need to create, start or allow to ensure we live and die differently, fairly, more freely.
Sat 12th Aug 2023
A later start to the day, or perhaps earlier, as I was awake into the early hours and messaging Liyanne, one of the key friends who encouraged this project to be revised. I met her at an airport on the way to a Middle Eastern dance holiday, shared a room and many experiences. Months later my mum passed and she was very much there for and with me as were many of the people who have contributed to this project, Karen, Leigh, Lisa in particular.
Should I share Leigh helped set up a campaign to allow my Aunty to be able to visit her sister in intensive care… That’s on another level of friendship, isn’t it. She did that with my ex-partner and I remember getting emails of support from people who had lost folks connecting as well as copies they had sent to the home office and my local MP. I didn’t want or like the attention (an ongoing journey) but looking back, that was such a special set of things to do and very much of how we had to be to even get the basics in place.
Everyone at work knew, in fact when the home office ‘allowed’ my aunty in, I went into work and they told me. Seems those who sent emails of support got replies before I did.
My Aunty Rita was incredible, she is a woman of few words, the youngest sister, and very direct whilst her actions of deep deep layers of love and consideration. We visited my mom and she watched and my middle sister with my mum, she reflected what she saw to help me, us.
We stayed in my mum’s place and watched B&W movies as it was that time of year, had clean-up breaks (my style of domestics), and visited every day. I didn’t realize that the day I rang was a special occasion to and for them and they had lost my Uncle and other cousins in very short period of time. Death, grief, and loss (soul and material) were very much in and around them.
Some months later, I met a community activist/socialist and he asked about my aunt, had she stayed. No I said, it was too cold. We laughed. She also had a full life and family she was so there for and continues to be.
I wasn’t planning on sharing that, maybe I’ll edit it later, maybe not. What may have unearthed that was having spent a few moments with self doing some morning pages, often my way of clearing brain, linking things, and random and important tasks building (ADHD, perhaps as it shows up differently in women and Gen X + had less knowledge around this, more than fidgety, executive function disorder, I’m learning a lot from Insta coaches mainly young women.
So what brought me to this table, I hold closely in my room and often my bag the book and cards ‘Rest is Resistance’ by Tricia Hersey. Today I just opened up randomly at a page, it was about the death of her dad in his 50’s:
‘Why you get up so early when you don’t have to be at work till later? He replied. ‘I want to have a few moment in the day that belong to just me”.
‘For thirty years, he attempted to prove himself with overtime constantly and perfect attendance. all while being an assistant pastor, choir director, and community organiser. He juggled so much to provide a loving and stable home to us, but there was something that lurks beneath when w are living in a system founded on our labour to prover our worth as human beings.’
And back to Liyanne, she had met up with local artists from the Pluto project, in New Zealand, and they are interested… Funny how death comes alive and travels. Maybe I’ll travel with it too.
Fri 11th Aug 2023
We’ve been given a short deadline to confirm dates and times. To get workshops confirmed and how long any of us can be in the spaces etc, is a challenge. Not sure how much this will impact on audiences, especially with the Pepys site by the river though it will make the experience of those attending richer.
What else – So I’ve shared it with some folks I worked with recently and going back a bit, know from past work and South London Death Cafe. It’s interesting connecting back, like a sort of this is your life and who is around the area and sites themselves.
Thur 10th Aug 2023
Went to see some friends and dropped into ICA exhibition, free with the Art Fund card I have for the summer (£6 full price and free for Westminster residents and income support with level access).
I noticed how she used banners as a way of keeping the work together, whilst I’ve been thinking of using things in the flat, the unruly flat, and the memories flat which might have some H&S considerations. I’ve just found old sari’s of my mum’s and washed it. One might find its way into the exhibition, as a key piece and those yellow and brown boots!
I’m also noticing the words used that resonate or are of the work which I need to use for the common language of the artsy world for submissions and everyday language for the participation and essence of the project. Site-specific creations, public art, or in semi-public spaces (contested areas as what is public and who has full democratic access to it). Collaborative, ‘assertion of herself as an artist‘ hmm.. I keep saying I’m not an artist I’m a … creative collaborator, community curator… And also says “Moki sought to use her creativity to communicate with and inspire other”. I definitely think that lands for me too, not sure if it’s inspiring but it opens the doors of a conversation, theme, or possibility.
Wed 9th Aug 2023
Met with Annette and Olive of Deptford Lounge who had contacted me on Friday 4th offering a space to use! Well I didn’t think that was on the cards, so we chatted as I’d originally shared on the first version of LPU, which was an installation, printed document and engagement option. They flagged they had film things, though could offer some space with another piece to be shared. But what they offered was a window! You know one of those HUGE windows at the side of the building facing flats. So folks can pass and see it 24/7 from the 22nd or earlier if I set up before. SO that’s on and I’ll be creating a site specific piece for that and had a few ideas developing of an altar, engagement options in and out the building to update it, potentially link to resources on site and more.
Later I met Sharon just past the Pepys resource centre and caught up a little. She has something around family to contribute, which we’ll discuss in the next few weeks to work out. Funny how people and things come together even if there has been such a passing of time…
And one of the original inputters flagged they couldn’t access the form, so I’ve put all the questions onto the site and will need to arrange some slots for chats to record or develop on. Access isn’t just sharing an email, reminder to self as I snowball this all.
Tuesday 8th Aug 2023
After a few emails on times of opening etc, got to speak to Anosha Khan, who is a feminist artist sharing a space at the Pepys with me called ‘Girls will be girls. Work looks really interesting and could form a sort of conversation with mine especially as most of the responses are from women and some have particular considerations around their experiences that make the personal is political more evident.
Saturday 5th Aug 2023
Went to see A world in Common at the Tate Modern, with the Artfund card £8.50/£17 full price, £5 for 16-25 year olds and disability companion free (On till 14th Jan 2024).
August started with
I’ve ended up across two sites for Deptford X festival! One that provided all the measurements and deadlines, super quick, the other that is so big and layered, under-resourced. So the two artists using there space is added to their shoulders in a different way. I’m blogging here to record some of the thoughts, experiences and reflect and use in the future, slightly different to the morning pages journal but a way to notice, to acknowledge, and connect.
